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| our apartment flooded. i came home from work and stepped into an inch of warm water in the bathroom. which is a strange feeling if you're not expecting it. i am irritated, but mostly because i wanted to take a shower. i made my landlord laugh when he asked if i had wet/dry shop vac and i replied 'no, not on me.' jerry and the beth's have a love/hate relationship, so laughter is good. i am eating cheese and crackers, which is delicious and i was just arranging the flowers i swiped from work with my clippers. they will live a short life. they almost died on the ride home. jordan is hours away and i have been promised the best burger of my life tonight from katie. i am trying not to think of the sasquatch i am not experiencing. dang. it was going to be my first trip in the van. perhaps my only chance. DANG. i am roomateless for two days. no big deal right? yes big deal. i sometimes experience mini panic attacks when thinking about how little time beth and i have left here. actually, i can't even write about it because it will enable this panic feeling. so. no. i don't want to talk about it. about ten minutes i opened beth's computer to find this:
it says 'i miss you already' if you have a hard time reading backwards. you're welcome.
which made me smile for quite a long time. which, by the way, looks something like this.
ok. i am also showing you some of the flowers i stole. viburnum roseum. so i am showing you two things. my braceless teeth being the first. i am also being a little creepy. that makes three. i was a little worried jerry might walk back in while i was capturing this gem, but he didn't. phewpht.
here, enjoy these. of better days. well, maybe not better, but different. different days. running days.
i wore spandex. i have come a long way. i rule.
g'bye.
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| i just returned from a brief jaunt outside. i meant to run. i ended up walking. slowly. i'm not a good speed walker. my lungs are weak. as are my legs. i need to quit smoking. starting now. i mean it. seriously.
but it was wonderful, aside from the ailing stamina. it began to spit. i mean, it was hardly raining. the sky. i was counting raindrops and identifying peoples shrubs the entire way. oh, wow, look at that lowfast cotoneaster, i didn't realize it berried so early. there's some mountain fire pieris.. look at the erica darleyensis, its almost finished flowering - so sad. they pruned there viburnum tinus perfectly. these are my thoughts. i think this means that i am happy. i think. and now, i have showered and my face is scrubbed and my legs are shaved and my hair is dripping and it is so nice to sit at my kitchen table that used to be my oma and opa's.
this week has been accidentally quite nice. yesterday i was stuck in traffic literally all day - crossing dozens of bridges, under tunnels, through constructions sites, into suburbia quite by mistake - i was everywhere. i barely made it to my hair appointment with tessa where we laughed, laughed, and laughed. i received this text after i left the salon: you're so funny!! i'm still laughing to myself, i don't even know what about! tess; its not me. its you. its us. it was lovely. i now have a small amount of blond in my hair and when i say small it is probably about 100 strands - so very small. but i will work my way up to something daring perhaps. one day.
i have a truck driver friend. we often spot eachother at certain drop off locations and laugh through our windows when we beat one another there. he gives me advice about the weight of my trailer, and talks about the regulations and tells me about when he got pulled over, and i nod and nod and nod. we talk about ferries, and long hours and plants and run into eachother on the ferry. it is nice to have a familiar face. he is old enough to have daughters much older than me, so i feel like he is a seasoned driver/person and will give me good advice and so i smile warmly when i see him.
last night as we passed the hours at red robins, long after i had devoured my clucks and fries and rootbeer (the first thing i had eaten since six thirty that morning when steve and i met for breakfast before work) we spoke about first impressions and how often pretense is assumed on people. how for some reason you are aware that with certain people it is up to you to make the effort and be outgoing and you assume this role wholeheartedly, and with other people, you leave it up to them. perhaps it is about intimidation. perhaps appearance. perhaps fear. probably all three. its strange. there is so much to be said about the different versions of ourselves that we project. how sometimes i leave from hanging out and feel wonderful - that i was confident and engaging - and other times (most times) i leave feeling like a small child - like i was wholly dependant on others, insecure, and shy. what is it that determines this? it makes me feel like i don't understand myself. there is a gap between those two people that exist inside of me that i think i need to dwell in. i don't know how to.
today i am going to a wedding in the US of A and i am excited. i will take pictures. i am excited about calgary and seeing friends. did i mention i decided to go to montreal for five weeks in june/july? i took the plunge. did i mention that i now exist in yet another place on the internet? we're all about the vlog.
g'bye.
 
p.s beth has red lipstick. i like it.
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| i just woke up with my phone in my hand. i had been pressing snooze for over an hour. i didn't jog. it's raining. and i'm tired. i told steve last night that i would jog in the morning for sure, even if was raining. and now i am an accidental liar. he will ask. steve never forgets. i made some porridge. i like it. i was boiling milk and i thought to myself 'you should keep a close eye on this, because it boils quickly'. time passed and next thing i know i am looking at milk bubbling onto the stove and dripping down the sides. i never can remember these things. i added two satchels of porridge into a bowl and poured in the milk. i hate it when it is too milky and not thick enough. so i added another pack. now i am eating three satchels of quaker oats porridge. or oatmeal. but i prefer to call it porridge. goldilocks. you know.
i feel out of sorts. this happens often. the worst times are the times when i have no words for it. i just act like a different, lamer person. who is vague and non-commital and mopey. and thats that. in due time, i will return to normal and promtly forget about this. but, egad. it makes me feel all alone. well, i am alone. beth is gone already. but. you know.
ah shit. now i'm late.
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| the only thing lacking lately is my ability to record the beauty of what has somehow become my life. my everyday. this weekend was abundant. chalk full with picnics and barbecues, sunshine and hazy blues. i got my hands dirty at our future home for the first time, and it felt right. so so right. scrubbing blood and scum from the yellowed tiles in the bathroom and sweeping the floor with my hair (quite accidentally) while giving a toilet a teddy bear hug trying to clean the underparts was worthy of my time. i had such a lovely moment at church yesterday. i was surrounded by people i knew and loved. it may have been like this for some time, but never have i felt such real community with those folk. any one of them i would have sat by, chatted and laughed with, hugged, etc. i turned to steve with a ridiculous smile on my face and said 'i KNOW so many people here' i spent the weekend with them. we ate breakfast together that very morning. we drove to church together. we danced in living rooms and huddled over crosswords. we took over kitchen duty for oneanother, and did eachothers dishes, we hugged, kissed cheeks. sigh.
today was my last french class. i will miss the back row crew over the summer, for shiz. i will miss laughing at everyone's (and my own) pronounciation. i will miss arezou and her brisk way of saying 'c'est tu, c'est tu' over and over again, with her curly hair bouncing often, and sometimes getting stuck in her mouth. but mostly, i will miss tiff. laughing at eachother answer questions in class, laughing through the hallways and running into jason, who always makes us feel like superstars for how excited he is to see us, and today, sitting on the grass practicing our vocab. detruire. de-true-ire. easy. the true ire. i dunno. we remember. sometimes. we sprawled on the grass so green and talked about everything under the sun, but mostly about the sun itself and how it warmed our faces and burnt our shoulders. i ran up a hill today. it was a big hill. tiff biked one. we are both proud. beth and i bought a couch. and a record player. and kitchen table chair. i just made a ground nut stew. i am about to go to the store to buy coffee filters and who knows what else. me and tess and beth sat on the patio of station pub on sunday afternoon while the bikers beside us blaired horrendous music from his motorbike stereo. we fit in perfectly. this is quite the fragmented paragraph. i am happy at work. i am driving. i will attempt to write more. i want to share more. i have much to share. i often doubt this.
i will share some photos:
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| Lonely little love dog that
No one knows the name of
I know why you cry out
Desperate and devout
Timid little teether
Your eyes set on the ether
Your moon in a bella luna and
Howling hallelujah
Nameless you above me
Come lay me low and love me
This lonely little love dog
That no one knows the name of
Curse me out in free verse
Wrap me up and reverse this
Patience is a virtue
Until it's silence burns you
And something slow
Has started in me as
Shameless as an ocean
Mirrored in devotion
Something slow
Has sparked up in me
As dog cries for a master
Sparks are whirling faster
Lonely little love dog
That no one knows the ways of
Where the land is low is
Where the bones'll show through
Lonely little love dog
That no one knows the days of
Where the land is low is
Where the water flows to
And holds you
by TV on the Radio.
man. i love it. and i don't have much else to say.
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